


No one left for me

by accidentallybroken



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell, Fangirl - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow series - Gemma T. Leslie
Genre: Agatha doesn't even go to the funeral, Blood, California and the UK as a setting, F/M, I love Baz, I'm Sorry, M/M, Multi, My First Fanfic, My First Work in This Fandom, Sad Ending, Suicide, The Bunce family is only mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-09-01
Packaged: 2018-05-24 05:32:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6143091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/accidentallybroken/pseuds/accidentallybroken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Penelope is left all alone after Simon and Baz... Well, read the tags. I am SO sorry this sucks, it is my first attempt at posting anything on here, so please don't kill me. Super short, so yeah, sorry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

When Simon committed suicide, Baz wanted to commit suicide too. When Simon had his funeral, Baz didn't go. He didn't want to face the truth. He didn't want to know that Simon Snow would never kiss him again, he would never tousle Baz's black hair again, Baz would never hear his laugh. Baz would never get another chance to call Simon an idiot, or twirl Simon's tail around his arm. He would never dance with Simon again. Baz missed his husband. He missed Simon. When Baz found himself driving too fast on a rocky road on the day of Simon's funeral, he didn't try to stop. He didn't want to stop.

 

Penelope was really] messed up. She attended both of her best friend's funerals in the same week. She hated them both for leaving her alone again, without anyone left to help her. Simon and Baz had always had each other, and she supposed they had each other still. But Penelope had no one. She was left alone. Agatha didn't even bother to come to the funerals, to visit the graves side by side. Penelope was alone, and there was no one to see her cry.


	2. across the ocean

     When Agatha got the news about Simon, she was at a taco joint with her boyfriend of the month. Her cell phone buzzed and she looked at Jack.      

      "It's fine if you want to take it." he said. She shot him a grateful look and answered the phone. On the other end was a voice she hadn't heard in months: Penny.

     "Agatha?" Penny said quietly. Agatha knew that something was wrong. Penny had probably never been this quiet in her life when something wasn't wrong, and besides, she never started with any type of opening phrase.

     "Yeah?" Agatha responded, dreading the response.

     "I'm sorry." Penny never apologized either.

     "Just tell me Penny!" Agatha nearly shouted into the phone. Jack looked at Agatha, a worried expression on his face.

     "It's about Simon. Um... a few hours ago he cut his wings and tail off and slashed his wrist, and he didn't survive."Agatha knew she was supposed to feel something at the death of her boyfriend of a few years, and more importantly, her friend, but she felt empty, blank. She felt like there was a hole inside her. Penelope hesitated on the other end. "Agatha?" she said gently.

     "Oh." was all Agatha said. Penelope started to talk again on the other end.

     "Um, the funeral's going to be later this week, and I guess I can call you back some other time, Ok?" Agatha nodded, then realized that Penny couldn't see her.

     "Okay." she said, and hung up the phone.

     Agatha never picked up the phone when Penny called back. She just wanted to forget all about it, maybe ignoring the hole would make it smaller.  
 

     Agatha didn't go to the funeral. She knew a funeral would make Simon's suicide feel real, and she was fine with the surreal feeling it had now. She didn't cry or feel really anything but emptiness. She didn't go anywhere but work, and didn't pay much attention to her makeup. Her boyfriend and friends asked what was wrong, and she answered, "I just got some bad news about people in my old life." she didn't elaborate. She just wanted to ignore that she had ever had a life outside of the one she was living now. She used to Skype Penny once in a while, but the Skype calls had become fewer and fewer over the years. She wanted to forget Penny, and Simon, and magic. She wanted to forget the person she was at one point.


	3. the winged wizard's demise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> POV of Simon, as he starts the chain reaction

     Simon looked at himself in the mirror. He could see the red wings behind his back, and the tail draping slightly on the floor. Baz walked into the room, tugged on Simon's tail, and kissed his husband. "Hi Baz." Simon said tiredly. Baz looked at Simon.

     "Are you okay? You look awful. How about you lie down and I'll go to the store and get you some soup and other sick people stuff." Simon tried to protest, but when it came to Simon's welfare, Baz could be as bossy as Penelope. Simon felt awful. He was too tired to protest, so he went and lay down on the couch as Baz put on a coat to go out. He kissed Simon on the way out the door, and grabbed the car keys. Simon stared at the ceiling.

     Simon got up a few minutes later, and went to the bathroom. He saw the wings and tail again, and started to cry. Every time he saw the wings he was reminded of the day where fear and magic and pain was all he could feel. He remembered the day he killed the mage, watched Ebb die, gave everything from the hole in his chest away. He could feel the hole now, where the magic had been. He missed the feeling of infinity inside of himself, missed the days where cherry scones could heal every hurt. He wanted to be better, be a man who hadn't killed his father, gotten his friends hurt and killed. He didn't want to be the man with the face of the monster, the winged Normal who used to be powerful. Baz and Penny deserved better than a man without magic. He thought of the phrase "earning your wings". It was ironic. When he got his wings, he lost his magic, he lost the world of the Mages, the world he had wanted to be a part of as soon as he dared to wish.

     He went to the kitchen. He wanted to lose his wings and tail. He brought it back to the bathroom and looked in the mirror again. He wanted to be clean and unbroken again.  
He brought the knife to the tip of his tail and  
sliced  
down.

 

Baz came back five minutes later to find his husband lying on the floor in a pool of blood, still and quiet.

That was the day he shattered.


	4. First Day, Last Day

      Baz knew that Simon felt the hole, felt the loss of his magic. The few times that he had shared magic with Simon, he had felt infinity and fire. It was something he could be addicted to, just from those few times. He couldn't imagine what it was like to know such power his whole life, then have it taken away from him in a minute.

     Baz had always noticed the blue-eyed boy with the bronze curls. He had to: this was his room-mate, and a person raised by Normals. His family had said to keep an eye on him, since a boy raised by Normals couldn't fit in. Baz agreed wholeheartedly with his family, so he was surprised to feel the tugging in his gut and see the blue-eyed Mage's heir walking towards him.

     That was the first day.

     Baz never really knew when he stopped looking at Simon as the Mage's heir, the Normal child, and a bit of a enemy to the love of his life. He seemed to have missed the switch in thinking, and just woke up one day and discovered he was in love with Simon Snow. He tried to deny it for years, because he knew it would never really happen. So when Simon kissed him, he was surprised. And happy. He wasn't sure what he'd done to deserve it, being a vampire and a making a big show of hating Simon over the years, but he was sure going to enjoy it while it lasted. And then it lasted for much longer than he ever would have imagined.

     He remembered their wedding day. Baz had proposed a week before, but since they were just going to have a courthouse wedding with a small party at the Bunces's afterwards, it didn't need much planning. Baz remembered that on their wedding morning, Simon had called panicked.

     "Baz, I spilled coffee on the shirt I was going to wear, and I can't find the other one! What should I wear?" Baz cut off Simon.

     "Penny thought this was going to happen. There's a bag under your bed with some extra clothes, and she should be over pretty soon to hep you."

     "Thanks Baz." Simon said relieved. It was funny how Simon was the one who was stressing out so badly, when it had taken Baz weeks to work up the courage to propose. The day had gone perfectly after that, except for Penelope trying to call Agatha and break her the news, then to get into an argument with her. But Baz didn't want to think about that.  
Now it was the last day. The last day he had seen Simon. It had just felt like another day this morning. Baz would have never guessed that his whole world would be turned upside down, that the sun would go out. He had said that Simon Snow was going to die kissing him, but Simon had died alone.

     Baz should have done something, should have seen that something was wrong. He should have been better, been worth it.

     On the day of Simon's funeral, Baz wanted to run, but there was nowhere to go. Bloody Snow. He was the only one that could ever get Baz to feel this way, this wanting to go on forever and leave the world behind. Since there was nowhere to run, he drove. He drove up the most obsolete road he could, driving faster than he had ever dared to go on this road. He came to a turn, and he wanted to fly. He wanted to leave this pain behind and wash the blood and tears off his hands. So he didn't turn, just went straight ahead. He didn't want to see what was lurking around the corner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think that's going to be the end.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, remember how I said the last chapter was going to be the end? No? I guess you don't, because no one's really read this. Well, anyway, that wasn't the end, this story isn't finished. And It's only been six months.

      Penelope was supposed to be the strong one, but the one thing she could never do was let go. Sure, she was slow to trust and to love, but once she did it was for forever. 

      She couldn't let go. Not when they were dead, not when she was alone. She couldn't let go of Simon, _her_  Simon, the one she had always loved (as a friend). She couldn't let go of Baz, the one who it took a while, but was so fascinating by the end. She loved them both. How could she let them go? They were so much, and she couldn't wrap her mind around it all disappearing, all that beauty and brokenness and ugly that is every human. (And vampire and dragon boy, she supposed.) How was she supposed to stay strong?  

     A few years before she had been given the proof that she didn't know when to stop. (Well, a few proofs.) 

      The first proof came about via Premal. Even after her mother made it clear that she wouldn't speak to Premal as her son (Though it was slightly less clear after the Mage died. Don't speak ill of the dead and all.), Penelope couldn't deal with that. She seeked after Premal, the boy who had (with plenty of ups and downs) been her brother. Been. Past tense. 

      And apparently it ran in the family, people not letting go of things. Premal seemed to be under the impression that the Mage's Men was a perfectly acceptable thing to put on your resume, and that the Mage was right in everything. Even though he wasn't alive. And there was no such thing as the Mage's Men anymore. And that the Mage's idealism wasn't a very popular thing anymore. He didn't want things to heal. He wanted to keep fighting a war that wasn't necessary in the first place. Premal had looked straight in Penelope's eye and had told her that he didn't want to be part of a family that was stuck in the past. (Which was sort of a hypocritical thing for him to say, in Penelope's opinion.) And even after that she still kept trying to contact him.

     That was the first sign that she had trouble letting go. 

     The second was with Agatha. Her moving to America. Penelope tried to contact her quite a bit, and Agatha normally responded, but she was always distant. She was always distant, but this was even more. This was someone who wanted to disappear completely. And Penelope kept trying. Making conversation. Contacting Agatha. Until even she had to give up, even if she hadn't let go in her mind yet. 

    Maybe she would never let go. Maybe she would always be left with these frayed ends in her hand, her head. And it wasn't okay. It would never be okay. But maybe one day she wouldn't be clutching so tightly. 


End file.
